light in the darkness

I was recently at an advent day retreat. I came with a keen sense of pain, mine and the world’s. I began listening to God.

God: If my response is joy, then what?
Me: Then I can have laughter from a light heart.
God: What if there’s no problem I cannot solve?
Me: Then there is light that will not go out in the darkness. But Lord, the dead, the dying, the wounded, those who despair . . .
God: Let me. . .they belong to me.

desiring to be like the light of morning

While reading a few lines about the father in the story of the prodigal son throwing a party to express his own joy, I know that we can send out radiant life from our beings to others as the father did. That joyful father reminds me of the description of a just king found in the hymn of praise, in II Samuel 23. “One who rules over people justly, ruling in the fear of God, is like the light of morning, like the sun rising on a cloudless morning, gleaming from the rain on the grassy land.”

Isn’t that what we desire, to be like the light of morning; in any way like the sun rising on a cloudless morning?

observations on my patterns of eating

My daughter E. Chloe Lauer is a nutritional health counselor. I have recently begun to work with her. Two weeks ago she asked me to record what I ate for breakfast and how I felt afterwards and then note how I was feeling two hours after that. By paying attention to what I ate and how I felt I saw the obvious link between the two. In fact the following week a lovely woman appeared in a dream to remind me that food affects feelings. She had a beautiful face, wore colorful clothing, and appeared alone with just this one message for me. I am convinced that the link is undeniable.

The second week I recorded everything I ate for six days. When it was over, I observed that I eat so often that I am not very hungry when I eat. This experience lined up with the most social week of my life. I had so many regular appointments with people and special dates with friends that I was incredibly happy all week. In fact, I thought that I might be permenently happy -- a funny thought. It makes me smile now as I remember feeling so confident and content.

I was feeling so strong that I was able to eat with more discipline at the begining of this week. I do hope to take a step up the staircase of responsible eating through the work I am doing with Chloe.

I remain

This past Saturday morning, I was on retreat. I live in Pennsylvania. It is autumn and the leaves are still falling. I love spring and am not actually comfortable with autumn. This may be because I have already experienced so much loss that facing the work that I am invited to do in autumn frightens me. How much more do I need to release? Am I clinging to some part of my life that weighs me down?

When I left the house to walk outside on that bright morning, I walked onto doe colored elm leaves laying in abundance on the grass and realized that although it is autumn, I remain whole. That was a significant observation for me. Yes, I have let go of a lot. I will let go of more, maybe even today, but I can continue to do this seasonal work. I remain standing. I have not been obligated to release any part of my essential Self. In fact, the opposite is more true. As I courageously examine my life, and follow the example of the elm tree, moving through autumn into winter, who I am becomes clearer.

So for the seasons, I am thankful.

Why pray for one?

Sometimes I pray for one without enthusiasm. I am thinking that when there are so many crises, how can it make sense to pray for only one? But as I ponder this problem, it comes to me that in praying for another, I lessen the demands of my ego. Thus, I am changed and can more easily connect well with others or saying it another way, I more easily notice my connection with others. Then, as gift to me, I am calmed and experience myself.

we repaired ourselves

As I was cleaning my house this morning it came to me that "we had healed ourselves." Now I come from an evangelical family, so we would never have spoken of ourselves like that. We would never have said that we did anything so important as healing ourselves or anybody else. But I believe that opening ourselves to God's grace feels like healing ourselves. Being a recipient of grace is not a passive experience. At times, I have felt excruciating pain as I worked with God to become well.

Later in the day I recalled Jesus' declaration to the woman "Your faith has saved you." (Luke 7)

In being reverential towards God, we can miss learning how we are required to participate in the gifts of God.

First Entry

I am visiting my daughter and found myself feeling a little bit homeless; away from my house, routine, and icon writing class tonight. But now that she is waking from her nap and directing her creative energy my way, I feel fine. Just before she offered to set me up to blog, I looked down the hallway of her apartment into the kitchen with the lights from the stove lamps reflecting all the way down the eight or ten feet of the oak floor and felt light myself.

This morning I had woken realizing that I positively fear homelessness and can easily begin to feel that I am falling that direction. The props that I live with can easily be disturbed.